I don't know why! It's just so weird. I went to school like usual. And the fun part was that I need not stand during my Chinese lessons ANYMORE! Yes! I should happy but I can't find any sense of happiness inside me. After school, I headed back home because today's my big day - PRACTICAL EXAM! Yes, I know it's a low grade (grade 5) so what!? The most important thing is that it costs me RM 287! It's not cheap and I don't want my mum to pay another round. It's not a small amount. My mum has given enough for my piano lessons and I really thank her. For without her, I won't be able to have the chance to play the piano. I was very nervous as the hand of the clock was reaching 3pm. My piano teacher was waiting outside my house and she was sending me to Casuarina Hotel for my exam. Before I went there, I can really feel my heart beating and jumping like mad! I prayed and I felt better. I managed to went through all my scales and my pieces. And it went on well. But, everything changed when I entered the "ghost room". I thought the examiner would be friendly (according to what I heard). But, she DID NOT smile AT ALL throughout my whole test. I was already very anxious. In addition of her coolness, I was feeling worse! I flunk my arpeggios. I slipped in my pieces. And I did badly for my aural test. I dno't know why. Is God trying to teach me a lesson or what? I really don't know what I was feeling once I came out of that room. Relieved or sad? An examiner without a single smile? Am I that bad?
-I want to scrape this off my mind? But how?-
Today, Shireen and gang were celebrating Bernice's birthday in McDonalds. I wasn't able to be there as my exam was on. Then, I told my mum about it and she started asking questions like, do people celebrate your brithday too? How do I answer that? I don't know. Do people remember you? I don't know. I always ask myself not to think of this things so that I won't feel sad or anything. But, my mum's questions sent me to think deep. I'm keeping myself away from it now. I MUST!!! and I MUST!!!!
I went for the jamming session as well. I haven't been going for like a month. I haven't been practicing as well. Furthermore, I'm new to the song I'm going to sing and I don't have the song at home. Gosh! That was hard! I went there, expecting some miracle to happen. Yes, it started quite well. Then, everything changed when it was my turn to sing. I don't know I'm sensitive or what. I sensed some frustrations within the group. I can't get the right tune and whatever I did was in a mess. For the first time in my life, I felt that I'm useless in singing! It's singing!!! And I'm actually feeling that I'm a failure in singing!!! What's going on? I guess not many people noticed my behaviour throughout the jamming session. If they managed to read this, I guess they will be very surprised to read this. I don't know why, I don't really like to show people that I'm sad unless it's unavoidable.
Even if someone asked my what's going on, I also seldom tell (unless I trust that person and I have the mood to). I messaged someone - my pig bro! Thanks bro for your messages. But, I really need someone to talk to me right now. As I'm writing this (or rather typing), tears are rolling in my eyes. I really need a shoulder. Can I? Can I? Can I? I really need someone to be by my side. Can I? Can I? Can I? Please.. I'm pleading.. How I hope that xxx is by my side. I know some people might think that I'm desperate. I don't care about what others think. Right now! I'm very selfish. I just want xxx to be here. But, it's impossible because... =(
6 comments:
My dear Kar Men, failing one exam doesn't mean God has forsaken u. Could simply mean u were not well prepared for the moment. Take courage n go do better the next round.
Just from my observation, all your mui mui really appreciate u very much. Dun ever entertain such thoughts that people have forgotten u.
We, the whole EY gang, are family. In a family we stick by each other through good times as well as bad.
- the saint -
well, there's a phrase, and it's not a particularly common phrase here, and it's THINKIN STINKIN. perhaps you should try to NOT think when you're singing or playing the piano. let your vocal cords and fingers do the work. don't know if this helped...but it's my two cents...
oh, btw, if it makes you feel any better --- and it's been a few good days since this post --- imagine ME singing and playing the PEE-AH-KNOW...then you'll feel better about your own skills, immediately.
the saint: Thanks Uncle William. I'll always keep that in mind. =)
earthquakeduck: Thanks. Haha.. I'm sure I'll feel better that way. Haha.. Anyway, I'll work on it more to do better!!!
this is indeed a very late comment but i hope that this will help.
whenever you feel sad, always remember the verse
'rejoice!and again i say rejoice!'
God always want to give us joy and remember? joy is one of the fruits of the spirit? but the satan always comes to rob and to destroy.
do not entertain negative thoughts from the satan. beware and do not give the satan a foothold.
you're a great girl! keep smiling =)
-your friend-
your (or rather my) friend: Can I know who are you? It would be good if you put your name. Haha.. Anyway, thanks. It's not late. Don't worry. For every single comment, be it late or early, will be my source of encouragement and comfort. =)
Post a Comment