与我的心情很相似

痴心绝对

想用一杯latte把你灌醉 好让你能多爱我一点
暗恋的滋味 你不懂这种感觉 早有人陪的你永远不会

看见你和他在我面前 证明我的爱只是愚昧
你不懂我的 那些憔悴 是你永远不曾体会

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解 我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退 我的防备 静静关上门来默数我的眼泪

明知道让你离去他的世界不可能会 我还傻傻等待奇迹出现的那一天
直到有一天 你会发现 真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

曾经我以为自己会后悔 不想爱得太多痴心绝对
为你落第一滴泪 为你做任何改变 也唤不会你对我的坚决

直到那一天 你会发现 真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

It's a clumsy day!

It's a clumpsy day
I slipped down and hurt myself
It's a clumsy day
Fortunately, it's not serious

It's a happy day
God gave me a special surprise
And the surprise
made me very happy

~my sole~

~my hand~

*to the tune of "It's a happy day"

Coincidence or sign?

Today was kind of a weird day for me. Let me tell you what happened. I was waiting outside the Physics lab today for the teacher to come. All of a sudden, my friend told me she had a dream last night. I didn't really pay attention to her until she told me it was about me. Me? In your dream? I was so curious. Finally, she told me her dream. She said she didn't really remember the dream in detail. But, she said she saw me crying and quarrelling with someone (she knows and I know). And there it goes. Me and that someone quarrelling? That's impossible!!! It's like really "tak mungkin" and "TAK MUNGKIN"! So, I didn't really bother about it. Another one came after school was dismissed. My assistant class rep told me that she dreamt of me last night. I was like.. HUH!? Another one? So, I asked her what was it. She said she saw me crying. Questions really rushed into my mind. Crying? AGAIN? I know I cry a lot. But, it's not that it's without a reason. I was buying my lunch in the canteen at that time when I bumped into Janice. She was rather excited when she saw me. She said,"Kar Men, I dreamt of you last night." THE THIRD ONE!!!??? In a DAY!!!??? How can it be? She told me she saw me in a place (not suitable to share here cause some people will think too much). Don't simply guess. You can ask me personally. I MIGHT tell you if I'm in the mood to. Haha.. But, it was really weird you know. Three people telling you that you were in their dreams...? And mind you, it's all connected if you put them together. Though it kind of scared me off, I don't really care about it already because I know I have done enough and I have done my part. I guess, some people will know what I'm talking about. =)

Just curiosity... Why do people dream? Does it mean anything? In this case, I would really want to know whether it's a coincidence or a sign. Hmm...

Night worship

This month's night worship was in-charged by Shireen. She was really so... (don't know how to put it in words). She actually burn all the songs we were singing into a CD and gave to each of the musicians one week before the night worship. Her spirit was... whoa! It is a night worship with the most practices. I think there were four. Should be.. Anyway, today's night worship was great! Well done everybody!!!

Uncle William shared on the prodigal son from Luke. It was in one of the books I was studying for BK. And I knew that well. But, the things that he shared really made me ponder. Yes! Why we always say that life is so unfair and things like that? Like why aren't I born with a silver spoon in my mouth? Or why can't I have a body figure like her? And etc. It's really true you know! We should actually be contented with what we have. To be honest, I used to be like this. Asking why this and why that. My parents used to tell me "count your blessings", which is really true! On the prodigal son part, he repented. He actually went back to his father and asked for forgiveness. And the father, he waited for his son long time ago. Ever since his son left, he waited for his son everyday. When he saw his son, he did not wait for his son to approach him, he ran to him and hugged him and kissed him. Gosh! The son was SUPER dirty at that time. But, it did not stop the father from doing so. He even killed the finest calf to celebrate his son's return. It's the same with us. As long as we repent, God is willing to accept us once again. He will throw a great feast to celebrate our return to His side. So, why not we repent? Yes, I know it's hard at times. But, when there's a will, there's a way. Right?

Lovely Penguins

Life is so miraculous! I was watching "March of the Penguins". It started with the penguins immerging from the water. As we all know, penguins live in the South Pole where the weather is below the freezing point. It is really wonderful to see how God put them in such a freezing cold place and yet create them in a way that they can adapt to the environment.

Of course, the documentary included the mating part as well. I won't elaborate so much on that. But one thing that was very significant in that was the part where the egg was born. I'm sure the mother penguin suffer as much as our mothers did. But, she persisted. The mothers then went to look for food. The father penguin on the other hand "volunteered" to take care of the egg. Then, the egg was given to him and he took care of it with love and only love. No matter what the weather they encountered, the egg was always close with them and it didn't leave their side for even a single second. Be it snowstorm, sunny day or whatever it is, the eggs were well taken care of. As a group of penguins, I can see that they really practice "team work". Seeing them walk from one place to another, huddling together to give warm to each other and to protect the young (or the eggs), it really touches my heart. What a big sacrifice the father penguin gave for their children. What more our parents?

Step by step, they walked to their destinations. Penguins can only take small steps at a time but their perseverance made everything possible. It really boosted me up! They did not give up but continued to walk and walk and walk. It sent me thinking- with perseverance, even animals can do it, why not we humans? We should be like them by setting our goals and strive to achieve it.

Back to the penguins again. I actually saw them eating ice!!! It's like this. While they were waiting for the eggs to hatch, they did not eat at all because the egg was with them all the time and they did not have the chance to go and find food. Imagine feeding on ice. Such a cold weather! Oh my goodness! Really can't imagine that!!! Parents huh? They are like this- 24 hours with the children in order the children would not be hurt. Yes! Maklumlah, it's parents we're talking here. Haha..

Another one! The way the penguins swim is just awesome! So graceful, so free, so beautiful... Swimming might be fun but they need to watch out of the leopard seals who were hungry. Just with a snap of its teeth and they're gone (the penguins of course!). Why!? That's so cruel! However, that's the food web right? But, penguins are so adorable, how can you afford to eat it up? Ohh....

Up to that moment of time, the father penguins were still huddling together to give warmth to their eggs. About 3 months later, the long awaited moment came. The eggs were hatched! New lives entered the world! However, the worse is yet to come. No matter how cold or how hungry the fathers were, they still have to keep moving on. Mind you, they had not been eating for months! Despite of the hunger, the fathers still cough some milk substance to feed their young. But sad to say, some did not make it. Here is where the mother penguins go back to the fathers to give their yong a scrumptious meal. I was thinking, what would be the mother's reactions if she knew that her child did not make it? It must be real hurtful! For some mothers, they see their babies for the very first time. Imagine the joy in the mothers' heart. Aww... Guess how they find their "husbands"? No through sight but through voice. Amazing isn't it!? Time for the fathers to say goodbye. Is bidding farewell to your child sad? I've not been in that situation before so I don't know.

Remember the first day when we went to our kindergarten? Some of us clung to our mothers' leg and sticked to it as if UHU glue was applied. For me, my mum told me that I was so excited that I told my mum to go home soon after she sent me to my classroom. Haha.. Guess I was special. Of course in some cases, I would not want to leave my mum. The little penguins are like some of us, not ready to leave our mothers and always want to be by their side to get protection, get love and the "manja" where we cannot get anywhere. As a newborn, some of them can't adapt to the strong snowstorm and there it goes... saying bye-bye to the world they did not stay long. The loss is unbearable! It grieves me seeing the mothers trying to "wake" their dead children. Some mothers even atempted to steal others child to replace their loss. Some in the group did not allow this to happen and went forward to stop the mother. Few penguins fought! I was so scared that the little one will get hurt. This documentary really is beneficial. It let me know what is life and what we should do.

Not my day!

I don't know why! It's just so weird. I went to school like usual. And the fun part was that I need not stand during my Chinese lessons ANYMORE! Yes! I should happy but I can't find any sense of happiness inside me. After school, I headed back home because today's my big day - PRACTICAL EXAM! Yes, I know it's a low grade (grade 5) so what!? The most important thing is that it costs me RM 287! It's not cheap and I don't want my mum to pay another round. It's not a small amount. My mum has given enough for my piano lessons and I really thank her. For without her, I won't be able to have the chance to play the piano. I was very nervous as the hand of the clock was reaching 3pm. My piano teacher was waiting outside my house and she was sending me to Casuarina Hotel for my exam. Before I went there, I can really feel my heart beating and jumping like mad! I prayed and I felt better. I managed to went through all my scales and my pieces. And it went on well. But, everything changed when I entered the "ghost room". I thought the examiner would be friendly (according to what I heard). But, she DID NOT smile AT ALL throughout my whole test. I was already very anxious. In addition of her coolness, I was feeling worse! I flunk my arpeggios. I slipped in my pieces. And I did badly for my aural test. I dno't know why. Is God trying to teach me a lesson or what? I really don't know what I was feeling once I came out of that room. Relieved or sad? An examiner without a single smile? Am I that bad?

-I want to scrape this off my mind? But how?-

Today, Shireen and gang were celebrating Bernice's birthday in McDonalds. I wasn't able to be there as my exam was on. Then, I told my mum about it and she started asking questions like, do people celebrate your brithday too? How do I answer that? I don't know. Do people remember you? I don't know. I always ask myself not to think of this things so that I won't feel sad or anything. But, my mum's questions sent me to think deep. I'm keeping myself away from it now. I MUST!!! and I MUST!!!!

I went for the jamming session as well. I haven't been going for like a month. I haven't been practicing as well. Furthermore, I'm new to the song I'm going to sing and I don't have the song at home. Gosh! That was hard! I went there, expecting some miracle to happen. Yes, it started quite well. Then, everything changed when it was my turn to sing. I don't know I'm sensitive or what. I sensed some frustrations within the group. I can't get the right tune and whatever I did was in a mess. For the first time in my life, I felt that I'm useless in singing! It's singing!!! And I'm actually feeling that I'm a failure in singing!!! What's going on? I guess not many people noticed my behaviour throughout the jamming session. If they managed to read this, I guess they will be very surprised to read this. I don't know why, I don't really like to show people that I'm sad unless it's unavoidable.

Even if someone asked my what's going on, I also seldom tell (unless I trust that person and I have the mood to). I messaged someone - my pig bro! Thanks bro for your messages. But, I really need someone to talk to me right now. As I'm writing this (or rather typing), tears are rolling in my eyes. I really need a shoulder. Can I? Can I? Can I? I really need someone to be by my side. Can I? Can I? Can I? Please.. I'm pleading.. How I hope that xxx is by my side. I know some people might think that I'm desperate. I don't care about what others think. Right now! I'm very selfish. I just want xxx to be here. But, it's impossible because... =(

Difficult situation

We were having our Annual General Meeting (AGM) for choir today. I thought it was quite happy because at last the stone on me can be removed. Well, choir was my only active activity. So, can be said I put all my effort in it.
There it was the AGM. Like usual, report by president then secretary ... It all started when the nomination part began. President nominees- my sis, Shireen and Vivien. Yes! I know Shireen has lotsa big big post and I know she's busy, but Vivien has another situation as well. Anyway, I voted for Shireen. I know it might make her busy with her life but I just voted her. She lost and became the vice. Well, I'm okay with it. Many thought for her as she was very busy in other activities so ... So yea.. Then it was the secretary nomination. I knew both my sisters will be in the committee, just the matter of post (cause really not many choices). I was hoping Ber not to get this but she was nominated for it and she got it! Oh my goodness! I didn't vote for her because secretary has the most work to do. Worrying that she might not cope with this and that.. It really freaked me out! As far as I knew, she was the nominee for Mezzo leader as well. And she got that as well!!! I really don't know how she can cope with that. I'll just have to wish her all the best.
I was given a difficult situation as well during the nomination for soprano leader. All the soprano members were asked to stand up and choose themselves. Then, don't know who so smart asked me to choose. I was really hoping that the situation won't happen. Who knows? Haiz.. I got up and remained silence for a while. I said one of the girls, C. And, she got it! True enough after the meeting was over, NONE of the soprano girls came to talk to me. When I walked past them, they just look at me with those angry and dissatisfied looks. I even heard someone spreading the rumour that C will definitely be the leader because of her relationship with me. GOSH!!! That was unfair! That someone even said that in order to hold a post in choir, it doesn't depend on one's strength but depend on relationship. EXCUSE ME!!!??? If you REALLY look at my group, try finding someone more suitable! I bet I can tell you every single weakness of them. It's not to say I want to find fault or what. But, it's the fact. You really think I simply choose ar? I went round asking and do "research" one okay!? Yes, it can never be denied that C has her own weakness, but she's the best among the worse. So, what can I do? Please mind your words! Think before you spread any rumours about it!!!
Anyway, I want to wish all the AJKs all the best! You guys are going to lead the choir starting now. Do your best and lead them till the end. We seniors will continue to support you with our prayers and wishes. Gambateh!!!

*Piano practical this Friday. So tensed.. My scales are still horrible!!!

Goodbye my beloved Pn Tan!!!

I'm saying this with a heavy heart. Goodbye Puan Tan! I'm going to miss you a lot!!! You're the best teacher I've ever had!!! I was really taken aback when I was told that you are leaving. It's a loss to AMC, especially the girls. A responsible, caring, loving, creative, charismatic, energetic, beautiful, etc. teacher is leaving AMC! I know that you're leaving for good. Just that, I never want to say goodbye to you so early. How can you leave earlier than me? You really made my life in my secondary school years. You encouraged us no matter what happens. You never leave us even if we give you trouble. Instead, you stood up for us. Even if people "pijak" us like rubbish, you cherish us like diamonds. You are like a mother to us. Even now that you're leaving, how many people shed tears of sadness because of you. That shows how important you are in our lives and our departure does make a difference in our lives. Pn Tan, I'm gonna miss you lots. All the best!!! Must keep in touch okay? We'll go "yum cha" as promised. =) Will be there if you call. ;)

What a test

I was having my Pendidikan Moral class when it all happened. My classmate was presenting this chapter on the value "Hormat dan Taat Kepada Anggota Keluarga". When she finished presenting, my teacher, Cik Hani, asked some questions (like usual) and did something very unusual. She asked whether she had given us a test with boxes. We said no. So, she started giving the test. We were required to draw 6 boxes on a piece of paper. Then, we were supposed to write 6 names of the people important in my life in each box. So, it sent me thinking over who was important in my life. She said she was very gracious as she only gave us 6 and not 8. I thought it was some kind of a test where this box represents what and what. So I told her that I think 8 would be better. Who knows it was a really scary test! She told us, "In our lives, the people who are close to us will somehow leave us on day. So, who do you think that you can still live even though he/ she dies?" Of course the first one was rather easy. Then , it slowly went on until 2 names were left. She then went around asking who were the 2 names left. In each person's list, "mother" would definitely be one of them. So, with the 2 names left, we were asked to cut of one of them. That was a critical time. I didn't know what to do because both of them were equally important to me! Without me noticing it, my tears started to roll in my eyes and it just trickled down. Some of my classmates shared the same experience with me too, just that I wasn't sitting in front of the teacher that's why she didn't notice me (luckily). She saw one of the girls crying and she pulled her out and told us that she succeeded! We were like "huh?". She told us that if we cry, that shows that we really take the person seriously. Actually, I didn't know that it was so important to me. What should I do now?